The unauthorized history of Coca-Cola

Coca-cola was originally promoted as a drink “offering the virtues of coca without the vices of alcohol.” Until 1903, a typical serving contained 60mg of cocaine. Today, it still contains an extract of coca leaves. The Coca-Cola Company imports eight tons of coca leaf from South America each year – a substance that, if carried into the country by any regular citizen, would result in their arrest and incarceration for “drug trafficking …”

It’s no coincidence that the name “Coca-Cola” starts with the name of the leaf used to manufacture cocaine: the coca leaf. The “Cola” part of the name comes from the “kola” nut – a nut containing yet an addictive chemical: caffeine. Combine caffeine and cocaine and, not surprisingly, you get a powerful drink called “Coca-Cola” that benefited strongly (from a marketing point of view) from the addictive traits of the narcotic / caffeine combination. It’s “The Real Thing,” all right, real substance addiction! Hard drugs and Starbucks, all in the same cup!

Clearly, soft drinks are a hazard to the health of any individual (intelligent or otherwise) who chooses to consume them. Some of the other health effects now being attributed to soft drinks include loss of bone density, blood acidosis, kidney stress, immune system suppression, ADHD and even dramatic mood swings – these are the claims by well-known health and nutrition authors, including many prominent MDs.

According to Coca-Cola, all the negative information about Coke is nothing more than “internet myths.” Coke won’t make you fat, it won’t cause diabetes, it won’t promote osteoporosis. Heck, it’s not even acidic according to Coca-Cola. You CAN’T use coke as a household cleaner, they explain. (Never mind that a can of coke fizzes away toilet scum better than anything else I’ve seen on the market. It can also unclog kitchen drains and makes a fairly effective engine degreaser.)

This is all covered on the official Coca-Cola website where they dutifully explain that coke won’t dissolve your teeth because it doesn’t spend much time in your mouth. In other words, you swallow the acidic beverage before it can disintegrate your teeth, and isn’t that just brilliant! I can just imagine two college students standing around with a bottle of commercial degreaser: “Jeez, man, don’t put that in your mouth. It will dissolve your teeth!” And the other guy says, “Don’t worry, I’m swallowing it before it can do any damage.”

I’m not kidding. As of this writing, the official Coca-Cola website literally says, “People don’t hold soft drinks in their mouths for long periods of time, nor rub their teeth with fabric soaked in soft drinks, so it doesn’t make sense to extend these possible affects to normal use of the product.”

I guess Coca-Cola thinks all this research has just been made up as a grand conspiracy. Maybe the entire world of nutrition researchers is conspiring to make Coca-Cola look bad by plotting to discredit high-fructose corn syrup and caffeine. Or maybe, just maybe, Coca-Cola is getting a little paranoid. Perhaps they’ve been doing too much of their own coke, so to speak, and are getting weird visions of public persecution.

I guess Coca-Cola thinks all this research has just been made up as a grand conspiracy. Maybe the entire world of nutrition researchers is conspiring to make Coca-Cola look bad by plotting to discredit high-fructose corn syrup and caffeine. Or maybe, just maybe, Coca-Cola is getting a little paranoid. Perhaps they’ve been doing too much of their own coke, so to speak, and are getting weird visions of public persecution.

To read the full article go here:
The unauthorized history of Coca-Cola (satire)